My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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