I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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