Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
