She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
