the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
