I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
