You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
