So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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