textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
