I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
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i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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