Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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