I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You have to summon your inner elephant
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
