Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think Iβm in love
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