I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
no, he came in my armpit
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
