God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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