the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize