I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
