ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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