Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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