I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
