I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
