im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
