she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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