I just made out with a guy for $7.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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