I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
