i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize