she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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