Can i not drive my cunt home
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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