I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
