I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
