Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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