"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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