i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Im part way to drunk.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize