I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
