And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
