dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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