Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
