Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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