His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I had to cum in my sink.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
