She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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