Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
