Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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