One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
