If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
