I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
