I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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