Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
