just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
