We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
