You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
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