I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
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