She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
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Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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