Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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