how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
