He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
