I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
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Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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