There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
